- Joined
- Oct 10, 2015
- Points
- 123
So here's a thing, my wife runs half marathons does triathlons and is obsessed with healthy eating and weight loss. Me I'm a bit more relaxed about things which does on occasion p*** her off. Friday for example we are in Cambridge my wife wants to eat at some pretentious cafe, I'm up for an Ed,s burger and malt having spent years crawling out of fetish/seedy clubs where I worked as a photographer, straight to Ed,s for a life saver.
On the way through the city from the Trumpington park and ride "Donna" spots the said restaurant/cafe and points it out. It looks a fricking nightmare just the sort of place I don't want to eat, designed by Cambridge art students that have managed to tear the arse out delicate pretentiousness. Accompanied with a menu compiled by Hipster,s that consists of ingredients that I can't pronounce, let alone have any idea of how they should be eaten.
So technically I'm in trouble if I don't go there "Donna" is going to hate me. If I do go there at some point I'm going to do or say something that will embarrass "Donna" and she will hate me for that. For the best will in the world I can't be trusted not get something very wrong but again I digress.
So after buying a pair of Merrell,s in John Lewis and here's another thing I turned 50 this year and a couple of weeks ago announced that I needed some "light-weight Autumnal shoes" It was like I could hear this voice but could not stop the spoken word "WTF" even "Donna" was amazed and kept repeating what I had said while I stood in stunned silence trying to come to terms with my new-found sensibility, about correctly weighted seasonal footwear but again I digress
On the way through the mall "Donna" spots the Ed,s diner and says "did you want a malt" (apart from the fact I'm Jewish I fully believe now there is a God and when he presents you with an opportunity you have to take it) so in we go. This is a place I can relate to and waste no time ordering a malt/burger and coffee for "Donna" who miraculously forgets about the other place and goes half on a burger.
Neither of us are sure what happened but after eating the burger she remembers the other restaurant, looks at me in a mildly quizzical slightly annoyed, slightly puzzled as if we had passed through a slightly off-kilter parallel de-ja-vu universe type thing. Being a bloke I ignore this, too busy pulling bits of burger relish out of my beard anyway I digress so back to the bullet.
Tesco had a points promotion double or something this week and "Donna" decided our nutritional lives were not complete without a Nurtri-bullet. Hence the slightly protracted (I do apologise) intro to said machine, she picked it up today. Promptly purchased everything green and stalky in the veggie section came home and blended a "Greenie" (Kill me now, KMN) Apparently this "Smoothie" is designed to lower bad s*** raise good s*** and promote longevity. Why anyone would want to live longer given the knowledge they would be faced with this every day is well beyond me.
So this morning after my mechanic could not work out what was wrong with my Z, I was faced with this. 5 hours killing mutants and feral ghouls on Fallout 3 (still on the 360) I decided to take a stand against the overwhelming tide of healthiness that was sitting smug in our kitchen. So
1. Family packet of Malteasers
2. 4 large scoops of Horlicks
3. Chocolate milk
4. 1/4 tub Vanilla Ice-cream
All blended in the bullet much to the annoyance of "Donna" and consumed like an tramp who just happened upon a big discarded bag of cold chips with a new found joie-de-vie. So with the remnants of my masterpiece still down the front of my top I thought, I need to share this.
Must admit it was a bit adventurous to consume that amount in one go, even the disparaging looks being caste my way from "Donna" did not dampen the moment. Unfortunately that moment has now passed and an odd slightly nauseated feeling is taking over. This has now moved to trouser removal to "make more room".
Apparently sitting on the sofa in ones pants with milk-shake stains down ones front "is neither sexy or attractive" according to "Donna" "Well good luck trying keep hold of a guy with that attitude" I told her, now slightly extending the waistband on my pants in a vain attempt to help relieve the pressure from my rapidly expanding waistline. Here,s hoping I don't need to de-tox with a series of "greenies" this week
Andy in Essex in pain.
On the way through the city from the Trumpington park and ride "Donna" spots the said restaurant/cafe and points it out. It looks a fricking nightmare just the sort of place I don't want to eat, designed by Cambridge art students that have managed to tear the arse out delicate pretentiousness. Accompanied with a menu compiled by Hipster,s that consists of ingredients that I can't pronounce, let alone have any idea of how they should be eaten.
So technically I'm in trouble if I don't go there "Donna" is going to hate me. If I do go there at some point I'm going to do or say something that will embarrass "Donna" and she will hate me for that. For the best will in the world I can't be trusted not get something very wrong but again I digress.
So after buying a pair of Merrell,s in John Lewis and here's another thing I turned 50 this year and a couple of weeks ago announced that I needed some "light-weight Autumnal shoes" It was like I could hear this voice but could not stop the spoken word "WTF" even "Donna" was amazed and kept repeating what I had said while I stood in stunned silence trying to come to terms with my new-found sensibility, about correctly weighted seasonal footwear but again I digress
On the way through the mall "Donna" spots the Ed,s diner and says "did you want a malt" (apart from the fact I'm Jewish I fully believe now there is a God and when he presents you with an opportunity you have to take it) so in we go. This is a place I can relate to and waste no time ordering a malt/burger and coffee for "Donna" who miraculously forgets about the other place and goes half on a burger.
Neither of us are sure what happened but after eating the burger she remembers the other restaurant, looks at me in a mildly quizzical slightly annoyed, slightly puzzled as if we had passed through a slightly off-kilter parallel de-ja-vu universe type thing. Being a bloke I ignore this, too busy pulling bits of burger relish out of my beard anyway I digress so back to the bullet.
Tesco had a points promotion double or something this week and "Donna" decided our nutritional lives were not complete without a Nurtri-bullet. Hence the slightly protracted (I do apologise) intro to said machine, she picked it up today. Promptly purchased everything green and stalky in the veggie section came home and blended a "Greenie" (Kill me now, KMN) Apparently this "Smoothie" is designed to lower bad s*** raise good s*** and promote longevity. Why anyone would want to live longer given the knowledge they would be faced with this every day is well beyond me.
So this morning after my mechanic could not work out what was wrong with my Z, I was faced with this. 5 hours killing mutants and feral ghouls on Fallout 3 (still on the 360) I decided to take a stand against the overwhelming tide of healthiness that was sitting smug in our kitchen. So
1. Family packet of Malteasers
2. 4 large scoops of Horlicks
3. Chocolate milk
4. 1/4 tub Vanilla Ice-cream
All blended in the bullet much to the annoyance of "Donna" and consumed like an tramp who just happened upon a big discarded bag of cold chips with a new found joie-de-vie. So with the remnants of my masterpiece still down the front of my top I thought, I need to share this.
Must admit it was a bit adventurous to consume that amount in one go, even the disparaging looks being caste my way from "Donna" did not dampen the moment. Unfortunately that moment has now passed and an odd slightly nauseated feeling is taking over. This has now moved to trouser removal to "make more room".
Apparently sitting on the sofa in ones pants with milk-shake stains down ones front "is neither sexy or attractive" according to "Donna" "Well good luck trying keep hold of a guy with that attitude" I told her, now slightly extending the waistband on my pants in a vain attempt to help relieve the pressure from my rapidly expanding waistline. Here,s hoping I don't need to de-tox with a series of "greenies" this week
Andy in Essex in pain.
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